Combatting Imposter Syndrome Whilst Managing the Expectations of Graduate School
5 min read
Valerie Valledor is working on her PhD in Clinical Psychology, and is the face behind the Instagram page @phdwithvalerie.
Currently in the fourth year of grad school, Valerie is working on her dissertation, and juggling the usual responsibilities of academic work along with uprooting her life from Miami, Florida to Michigan.
Valerie has talked openly about her experiences of academic imposter syndrome on her Instagram page, along with sharing tips for aspiring PhD students, and motivation for those currently mid-program.
In this blog, we dive into the wide-ranging effects of Imposter syndrome and burnout, and what Valerie is doing to stay strong during the arduous process of completing a PhD.
What made you want to do a PhD? and what has been the most unexpected challenge that you've had?
I pursued a PhD in the first place to give myself options. To become a fully licensed psychologist in all 50 US states, you need to have a PhD. In certain states you can become a psychologist with just your master's, but not in every state. Longer-term, I do not know where I will end up living, so to have the flexibility that I want, I need to have a PhD. If my life circumstances change, it doesn't take away from the work that I've put in to become a psychologist.
That was a really big factor for me, to have that long-term flexibility. I can become fully licensed to be a therapist, and no one can take that away from me. The thing that’s probably surprised me the most in pursuing my PhD, is the lack of flexibility that comes with along with itI didn't expect it to be this drastic.
The biggest examples of this have been the financial and time limitations coming at a stage of life where you're supposed to be making a lot of personal growth and development. It's something that I think a lot of people don't anticipate. Not being able to get an apartment on your own when you're almost 30 because you're living on a student stipend is a huge adjustment that no one tells you about.
Has this put you off staying in academia, or was the plan all along to go out into clinical practice or to join a Start-Up? Is teaching on the cards? What comes next?
The ultimate goal for me is to become a psychologist because I love the clinical work I do. I love working with people. I love doing therapy with children and families, and also most recently with young adults at the University Counselling Centre. I don’t think that the trajectory has changed, although I will say I love mentorship and I could see myself doing some kind of mentoring program. I love the idea of being a teacher, but I don't want to be bound to a university either. I think that there's still the possibility of leadership and mentorship roles alongside clinical work as my primary focus.
Working as a psychologist can have a lot of impact, are you more focused on having a bigger impact on fewer people, or do you want to reach as many people as you can, albeit with a smaller impact? I think that's a great question. I think probably my natural tendency has always been to make a big impact on a select few. I’ve never really thought about it, but I do lean towards quality over quantity. For example, with my Instagram page, I'd rather make one really great post that reaches a lot of people, and maybe changes one person's day versus a bunch of meaningless posts with content that everyone hears all the time. I can say ‘good job’, but good job for what? That isn’t personal at all, it’s very one-dimensional, I’d rather get to know someone and compliment something specific they have spent their effort working towards. And that requires this individual level of connection and understanding. So for that reason, I think the latter.
Valerie has been incredibly open about experiencing imposter syndrome, and self-doubt throughout her PhD. She has talked about her experience in detail on social media, which resonates with a lot of people who are experiencing similar feelings.
When did you realise that you were experiencing imposter syndrome? And what does it mean to you on a day-to-day basis?
Imposter syndrome is widely felt, and I am someone who takes a lot of pride in my work. However, I also fall into that trap of ‘if I'm resting, if I'm not doing x, y, z, and I'm not doing enough.’ And so I realised I was having pretty severe imposter syndrome when I was increasingly talking to my friends and family about the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. I talked about feeling as though I was behind, and they proceeded to list all of the things that I was doing: publishing, working on my dissertation, exercising, meal prepping, taking good care of myself, having a social life. And they told me, ‘You're doing all of it really well. And then you added an Instagram page and then something else. How can you say you're not doing enough? That doesn't make any sense.’ Hearing that outside perspective compared to my inner dialogue of ‘I'm not doing enough’, was just such a big contrast and I realised that my belief was a bit distorted, and it lined up with imposter syndrome. I think it probably would have come to me eventually on my own. But this shows the importance of good support systems: that they can point those things out to you and help you reach a realisation faster.
My experience with imposter syndrome is how it slowly seeps into my life and takes over insidiously. ‘I don't think I'm doing enough. I'm not good enough. I don't belong here.’ It doesn't come up that way for me. It comes up in the little things and the small negative talk.
What do you do on a day-to-day basis to stave off imposter syndrome, and remind yourself that you do belong in graduate school?
One of the best things for me personally, has been having positive habits that remind me that I’m actually doing a lot. So not only do I have to-do lists, I have all done lists. Being able to actually see everything I have completed is a big marker of success. I can look back at my list and say: ‘oh wait, you actually did a lot of things today!’ And this is important because sometimes two or three hours pass by with a million small tasks. You sent this email, you sent that email, you responded to this call, you read that one chapter, and at the end of the two hours - and I think this is the scary part of a PhD in any graduate program - there's no piece of work to show at the end of it.
There's no concrete, tangible object that shows all the work I did. You just end up sitting there at the end of the day feeling as if you’ve done nothing, because there's no finished product in front of me. ‘What have I spent the last two hours doing?’ And so having these markers of things that you've gotten done can really reiterate your accomplishments which are otherwise easy to overlook
Did you find that going through the hard parts of your PhD brought you closer to your cohort? Did you find bonding through a shared experience brought you closer?
I've created some very strong relationships here. I have two really good friends in my program, although, because of the nature of our work, we don't see each other all the time. But I'd say for the most part it goes back to that quality over quantity approach to life that works for me. I don't have a lot of time to go out every weekend, Saturday is catch up on my dissertation and work uninterrupted day. And so as far as relationships go, it's been more quality than quantity for me. Quality people, quality interactions, but a lot less frequently. My life before grad school was having plans every weekend where I went and did things, with money to do nice things, and now it's more like: let's go grab a latte and call it an outing. But that's okay with me. It has been hard to keep up with relationships back home and foster new relationships here and then also stay on track with my program milestones.
Have you been affected by burnout, and do you think that imposter syndrome has affected the way burnout manifests for you?
I think there's a moderating effect. I think burnout is going to happen no matter what, and I think imposter syndrome can speed up the cycle of burnout. The way that the system is set up for a PhD is conducive to overworking and overproving yourself. You always have to jump through a hoop, and I will say that I’ve found that very frustrating. You achieve this huge milestone and then there's no celebration. You’re just onto the next thing immediately. I remember defending my thesis via Zoom, and then I had to log into my next class like nothing happened. And it took away from this project that I had spent almost a year and a half on, just to have two minutes to celebrate before going on to the next thing. And I think because of that, burnout happens. Grad school trains students to think about what's next, what's next, what's next? Rather than focusing on one achievement before moving on to the next.
I think burnout is likely to happen no matter what, so when you add imposter syndrome into that mix, it’s just exacerbated. There's this mental load of ‘I have to do better, I have to prove myself’. And that's a dangerous place to be because, as I said, there's always ‘what's next?’ And if you have this really strong connection between your productivity and your self-worth, not only are you going to burn out, but you're going to feel very negatively about yourself at the same time.
What advice would you give to your younger self or to someone else with a relatable story?
I'd give myself so much advice if I could go back, so much. I think the biggest advice I would give to my younger self in general, but also alluding to imposter syndrome, is to make sure that I have an identity outside of being a student. I realised this was a problem when I was preparing to apply for PhDs, and I was studying for the GRE and making sure I was part of a lab and doing all those things that look good on a resume. I remember when I graduated and I had this research assistant job, I would work out in the morning. That was my hobby, and then I would go to work and I'd come back at five, and I had no idea what to do with myself if I didn't have something to work on. I was bored, and I realised I didn't know how to have a life beyond being a student, and I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen again and that exercising alone is not a hobby. It's something I should just do because it's good for me and I do enjoy it. But I should develop other interests and I should be a person beyond the fact that I am a student. People should be able to ask me, so what do you do? And instead of going into your dissertation topic, I can think about something I've been into lately, and talk about that instead of just work.
For example, lately I have really become interested in coffee. And that might be cliche, but I love speciality coffee and talking about the cappuccinos versus the lattes and how can I recreate a macchiato at home and things like that. And it may seem small, but having an identity outside of being a student is such a protective factor not only for burnout and imposter syndrome, but also to help your personal development, because you're going to come out of a program maybe five, maybe six, sometimes even seven years older. And you need to be able to look back and reflect on personal growth, not just PhD milestones. Otherwise, you're kind of just stunted in your personal development.
Please can you share something that you're proud of?
I'm really proud of being able to do the thing I just described, which is to focus on personal growth while in my PhD program, I feel like I've taken some big leaps, including creating my social media platform, and that was really scary at first. That required overcoming some imposter syndrome, and feeling like I didn't have anything of value to say, and it's been so beneficial for me to get out of my comfort zone.
I'm most proud of myself for developing my personal life in tandem with my PhD: creating new plans across the country and also getting a puppy.
It was an amazing experience getting to ask Valerie these questions and to hear how genuinely she answered them. You can find the video and audio content from this interview, along with many others, on Scholarcy’s YouTube channel.